The Truth about Santa Claus

Lately I’ve been doing some research on the origins of Father Christmas, a.k.a. Santa Claus, and uncovered some rather shocking and disturbing facts about him. Apparently, good old Santa has a rather dark and grim past. Anyway, below are some of the facts I managed to dig up.

• The original Santa Claus was a noble African Prince named Mawalaki Asembolwa. However, just like what they did to Jesus, they murdered his image and tried to pass him off as some blue-eyed Caucasian guy.

• The term “Father” in “Father Christmas” was short for Godfather. Santa was responsible for forming the deadly Bloods gang in L.A. He proudly flaunts his affiliation with them by frequently dressing head-to-toe in red.

• Santa is a 33rd degree Mason and is head of a Masonic lodge in the South Pole.

• Santa is responsible for flooding the ghetto with guns and is also responsible for the crack epidemic in the 80s.

• From 1985 to 1987 Santa worked as a drug courier for Pablo Escobar. He frequently made drop-offs using his sleigh and was responsible for the majority of cocaine entering the United States at that time.

• During his time as a drug mule for Santa, Rudolph the reindeer developed a serious addiction to cocaine. He snorted so much that the septum of his nose collapsed and he needed major constructive surgery. Now you know how he got the nickname “The Red nosed Reindeer.”

Okay, still not convinced that Santa’s evil. Well, these last two facts below should seal the deal and put the final nail in the coffin.

• If you take the letter “n” in “Santa” and move it to the end, “Santa” becomes “Satan.” And if you replace the letter “u” in claus with a “w” it becomes Claws. As you can see, when you make these subtle alterations “Santa Claus” now becomes Satan Claws. 

• The devil is often depicted as an evil red being. Santa is dressed head to toe in red (rather weird coincidence… don’t you think?)

So there you have it… there’s the evidence. I urge you to go out there and spread this knowledge. Remember, the truth shall set you free. Anyway, I'm off to pimp up my Xmas tree with bling. See ya!